RULES OF THUMB: When unsure of what to think about a book, say it was, “interesting.” Also say you, “Might have to read it someday.”
Books are always entertaining and never confusing. Any book that is confusing is bad.
Ulysses: Say it’s pretentious. Discuss the plot of the book in vague terms and make reference to the trial without getting into specifics. Bonus points if you tried to read it but gave up because it, “Didn’t make sense.”
On the Road: Say it’s overhyped. Put down those who read the book as, “annoying.” Call Keroauc a hack and discredit anyone who was inspired by him.
The Catcher in the Rye: Rant and rave to no end about how much of a red flag that book is. Say it has no plot. Call the main character whiny. Bring up Mark David Chapman.
Goodreads: The font of all knowledge. A great site for learning what books are good or bad. Be sure to spend more time here than on other tasks, like reading.
The Great Gatsby: A perfect book. Forged by Fitzgerald through divine inspiration.
Infinite Jest: Way too long. Complain about DFW being pretentious. Never read this book, even by accident.
Pride and Prejudice: Flawless. Jane Austen is so witty. Compare yourself and your friend group to the main characters constantly.
The Picture of Dorian Gray: A triumph. Every word is so beautiful it makes you weep bitter tears.
Leaves of Grass: Bring up the, “I contain multitudes.” quote. Mention how long the book is. Bring up Dead Poets Society.
1984: Foretold our time perfectly, down to everything.
Heart of Darkness: Hateful book. Sooooo boring. Possibly pro-colonialism? Way too confusing to be a book.
Naked Lunch: Nonsense. No commentary whatsoever. Bring up the fact Burroughs shot his wife accidentally. Segue into another rant about the beat generation and On the Road.
Moby Dick: Boring. Too much random talk about whaling for no reason.
Of Mice and Men: Way too sad. Boring too. Stupid book.
Wuthering Heights: So romantic! Heathcliff is so dreamy! A great love story.
House of Leaves: So scary, you had to see a therapist. Only acceptable confusing book.
Catch-22: Confusing. Didn’t even laugh once. Horribly misogynist.
